Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
[restrict]
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”
“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
***
The Hoki Poki
So, I’m sure you all heard of John Hoki, the inventor of the Hoki Poki. While John’s life is well known, what’s not so well know, is a story that happened at his funeral in the late 1940’s.
Being that John was quite a popular fella, mostly due to the Hoki Poki, which spread like wildfire through his small Middle Eastern town, thousands showed up for his funeral, all coming to bid him farewell.
Well, it happened right before the ceremony was about to begin, when the undertaker gently lifted John up to place him in the coffin. The problem that arose was that as soon as they put his right foot in…….(I’m sure you can figure out the rest.)
***
Flowers
“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”
“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”
“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.”
He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!”
“Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”
***
Last Wishes
Old Max had started out as a diamond cutter, and through hard work and good judgment he finally became the owner of a National chain of jewelry stores. He was wealthy indeed.
But now, he lay dying, so he called his wife to his side. “Hannah,” he began, “I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close to attention to my last wishes.”
“Yes, Max, I am listening,” Hannah wept. “Whatever you want, it will be done.”
“First of all, the business I leave to Harry.”
“Oh, no, Max, not to Harry!” his wife protested. “With Harry it’s girl-girls-girls! Leave the business better to Jerome. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.”
“Alright, let it be Jerome,” sighed the dying man. “To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.”
“Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I should take care he doesn’t squander it on women or cards.”
“Very well, in your name I leave the securities. And the summer house I leave to our sweet Minnie.”
“Minnie!” exclaimed his wife. “What for what does Minnie need another summer house? Her husband didn’t buy her one last year? Give it to Anna – her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.”
“Fine! Anna gets the summer house,” he sighed resignedly. “And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.”
“But Abe has already 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician – what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Louis.
” That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good women and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen – who the hell is dying around here – you or me?”
***
Woops Sorry About That
Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!” [/restrict]