When we grow up with a perfectionist there will always be comparison. ~Anonymous
When I was a high schooler I was probably the most insecure child, lost and lonely. I didnt belong to anyone or anyplace. I was angry: defensive, and contentious. I believed no one cared for me unless they need something, a favor
Looking back I can see that I lived in fear and shame afraid of abandonment. I was a people pleaser. I was suffering from toxic shame.
I knew how to hide my fears and shame. As God would have it, I left home and moved to the states. That was the beginning of my journey to find my heart.
I was aware my heart was hiding somewhere and I needed to find it. My heart was so broken and my emotions damaged to the core. I was bad (toxic shame). I had a crappy childhood. I was neglected, emotionally and abused.
Healing began with brutal honesty. No more pretending ~ after all my parents are this and that and we come from here and there. What a crappie way to live!
I’m an individual with a heart. I’m not my mother nor am I any of my siblings. I am not my father. I’m related to them with same DNA and that’s about the size of it.
Healthy Shame is a temporary, adaptive emotion that acknowledges a specific mistake and motivates correction, while toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated feeling of worthlessness that can stem from trauma, abuse, or neglect. Healthy shame focuses on the action (“I did something bad”) and leads to feelings of remorse and a desire to make amends, whereas toxic shame attacks the core self – “I am bad”. (John Bradshaw)
First order of business: Break all the agreements I made with what was made the abuser.0 Second was renewing my mind with the truth is Romans chapter 8.
Healing is not linear, it’s messy and it takes a long time. Requires a lot of patience.
Reminding myself of this truth: JESUS LOVES ME THIS O KNOW FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO