• They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don’t want even the slightest risk.
  • Experts say you shouldn’t eat at night. So who put the light bulb in the refrigerator? [restrict]
  • Funny bumper stickers:
  • Do we know each other? No? Then please keep your distance.
  • Sure, overtake me if you want. We’ll meet again at the next traffic light.
  • Braking is for suckers.
  • Am I driving too close in front of you?
  • Escape vehicle. Please do not park too close.
  • I’m also lost. There’s no need to follow me.
  • When somebody is totally angry, why not say:
  • “Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force.”
  • Never drive faster than a guardian angel can fly.
  • Send out your heart to the emancipation movement, bearded women want to be loved too.
  • My boyfriend is so ugly, I sometimes have to put roofies in my own drink.
  • When you don’t know the answer or perhaps you don’t want to say:
  • I will now answer you with a direct and unequivocal “maybe”.
  • WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause you to think that you are whispering when you are quite definitely not.
  • When somebody has a belly ache or doesn’t feel well, why not cheer them up with:
  • Ah, you’ve been nibbling from the loo again, haven’t you.
  • I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night, unfortunately, my phone was drunk.
  • Did you see (or possibly get) a bad hairdo?
  • I wonder what the hairstylist does for a living…
  • When a bird hits your window, how do you know God isn’t playing Angry Birds with you?
  • It’s funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn’t end as they carrot juice.
  • Interesting status update:
  • 9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I’m crazy. The tenth is humming.
  • When you’re late:
  • I’m never late. The others are simply too early! [/restrict)