•  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

[restrict]

  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
  • Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
  • There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
  • How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.
  • Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit? We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. [/restrict]