1. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
  2. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  3. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.

[restrict]

  • I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
  • Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
  • Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
  • Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. [/restrict]