I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
***
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
[restrict]
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine.”
****
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
***
Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
***
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
****
Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…
What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!
***
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn’t in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I’m sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
***
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door. [/restrict]