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- A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
- “If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.”
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
“Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.”
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
“I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.”
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
“Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it!”
I’m not addicted to coke, I just love the way it smells
I can resist everything except temptation.
“I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.”
Never interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
“I didn’t give you the finger…you earned it.”
The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. [/restrict]