• A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
  • Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
  • A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”
  • The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”.
  • I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
  • Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

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  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  • I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”
  • I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.
  • So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
  • Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”
  • I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
  •  There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  •  I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.
  •  I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.
  •  I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”
  •  A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
  •  My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”
  •  I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.
  •  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
  •  I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
  •  You see my next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.    [/restrict]