- What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
- You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
- What is red and smells like blue paint?
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
- Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.
- A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”
The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”
- What do you call bears with no ears?
- Why dont blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
- I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
- What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
- A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
- I saw a wino eating grapes.
I told him, you gotta wait. (Mitch Hedberg)
- What’s brown and sticky?
- What does a pepper do when it’s angry?
It gets jalapeño face!
- What’s a foot long and slippery?
- Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
- Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”
- As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
- A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
The horse says, “Me neither!” [/restrict]