1. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

  1. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

[restrict]

Because they’re really good at it.

  1. What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

  1. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  1. Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

  1. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koalafications.

  1. A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”

The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

  1. What do you call bears with no ears?

B

  1. Why dont blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

  1. I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

  1. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

  1. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

  1. I saw a wino eating grapes.

I told him, you gotta wait. (Mitch Hedberg)

  1. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

  1. What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

  1. What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

  1. Two gold fish are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

  1. Two soldiers are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”

  1. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

  1. A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”

The horse says, “Me neither!” [/restrict]