A panhandler who was new to the business asked the advice of an old pro who has worked the streets for years. After hours of intensive training the old pro was ready to send the tenderfoot out. “Don’t forget what I taught you, Frank,” Bob told him.
They walked to the corner of a busy street. “Go get ’em, Frankie boy. Here comes a guy who looks like he’s got some dough.”
Frank walks up to the man and immediately starts his routine. “Hey man, got a quarter for a cup of coffee?”
“How about a dollar for a Mickey D’s? C’mon man, I’m hungry!”
“I said no!”
“Then how about letting me use your credit card for some clothes??”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Can I borrow your car to visit my sick mama?”
“Then just let me stay at your house until I get back on my feet.”
“I’m calling 911!”
Dejected, Frank walks back over to Bob and asked him what he did wrong. “You violated the number one rule of begging,” Bob told him.
“Don’t put all your begs in one ask-it!”
50 Cent Lobster Tales
A gentleman enters a restaurant and asks the waitress what was on special. She replied, “Today we have lobster tales for 50 cents.”
He said, “I’ll take a dozen!”
She told him since it was a special he would have to pay in advance which he did. Then she said, “Are you ready for your first tale?”
He assured her he couldn’t wait. Then she began… “Once upon a time there was this little lobster…..”
The Bacon Butty Tree
Paddy and Murphy are wandering in the desert fortunately they have plenty of water but no food.
Murphy finally gives up sitting down on the ground and he tells Paddy to go on without him. Paddy protests but gets nowhere so he walks on without his friend only to return screaming Murphy, Murphy come quickly you wont believe your eyes and tells Murphy of a fantastical tree he has just found with a bacon butty on every branch.
Murphy picks himself up and protesting all the way as he makes his way to the top of the ridge only to look down into a bowl shaped valley, at one solitary tree with a sandwich on every branch.
The two friends run to the tree and pick a sandwich off the tree and take a bite only for a hundred screaming ancient warriors to appear intent on taking there lives.
Murphy says “Paddy this was no bacon butty tree this was a ham bush” [/restrict]