Melissa went up to her college professor, ready to contest the grade she received in the class. “I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
After staring at her with a blank look, the professor responded. “Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar,
[restrict] uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.”
****
The Age Question & Answer
A college professor asked his class a question. “If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?”
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said, “Professor you’re 44..”
The Professor said, “You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”
The student said, “You see professor, I have a brother; he’s 22, and he’s only half crazy.”
****
Vacation Time
Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
“Pretty good I think,” replied Jill. “But if I go to work there, I won’t get a vacation unless I’m married.”
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, “Is that what they told you?”
“No,” replied Jill, “they didn’t tell me that, but on the application it said, ‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.’”
****
First and Next
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?”
“Oh, not any more, he doesn’t,” the widow replied.
“What stopped him?”
“I started talking about my next husband.”
***
A Letter from Camp
Dear Mom & Dad:
We’re having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty; and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Billy
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? [/restrict]