A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear – no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
There were these twin sisters…
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke’s Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge Distorter,” told a photographer to get over thereand take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
He said, “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” said the other.
“Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman.
Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.” So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer.
Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?”
The Ultimate Computer
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. ‘This,’ he said, ‘is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.’
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, ‘Where is my father?’
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: ‘Fishing off Florida.’
The smart-aleck laughed, ‘Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.’
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, ‘Where is my mother’s husband?’ Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, ‘Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.’ [/restrict]