Like a babe when she cries for her mother
Like a child I was helpless and alone
But I met the Master
Now I am one of His own.
~ Thomas Mosie Lister ~
(September 8, 1921 – February 12, 2015)
I wept like a child when I heard that song [in the church]. Thank God for the dim-lit pews. No one saw my tears. Why did the tears? It seemed the cry came from some place deep in me. It was 1994, and I just chose to believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. When Jesus found me, I was still searching – to find my “self.” In reflection, I recognized “denial” – a psychological defense mechanism at work in my life. Denial involves a refusal to accept reality, thus blocking external events from awareness. If the situation is just too much to handle, we respond by refusing to identify it or denying that it exists. The way the mind works fascinated me. I found something that was of great interest to me. I had so many questions. It was never in the plan. C.S. Lewis said something about dreams… I’m paraphrasing, “…you are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream… only to find that you are His dream.” I began to talk with God as I used to talk with my father as a child. I found my place of belonging that made all the difference. It felt safe. I found that I could asked as many questions without being told to shut up. I found answers and then some. I’m still asking questions.
Belonging is an essential human need. Like the need for food and shelter. No wonder sibling rivalry is in every family, even within the family of God – within the church. We all need to belong. When we do not know our “true self” we fight to belong. What we are looking for is not outside of us. It is in us!
It took many years for me to accept myself, warts and all. When my father died, I felt that I stopped being a daughter. I’ve always felt like someone on the outside looking in (self-rejection) which muddled up my relationships with people. I lived in fear or being “not good enough to be in” the circle. I lived in shame for being a nobody’s child. No wonder I became an over-achiever. I can be very over analytical that always put me in that fork on the road where I feel stuck. As God would have it, I took the road less travelled like Robert Frost. I’m glad I did.
You and I belong to the God of the Universe. The God who made all the stars that lit up the dark sky at night, and all the planets swirling about in our solar system in our galaxy, the Milky Way. He made the Jupiter and placed it strategically with such power, like a vacuum cleaner in space, keeping all the debris, like meteorites, from destroying our planet- Earth. He made beautiful roses with fragrance so sweet. yet we don’t how he thought of it. Knowing the unknown – the mystery of beauty and truth. Knowing, believing and living the truth don’t happen overnight in the mind. It is a journey to the heart.