There’s an old saying, “Given the opportunity people will rise to the level of INCOMPETENCE.”  When I read that I chose to pursue my passion. What makes me tick? What do I want to do when I grow up? Who am I aside from being my parents and my siblings? If Palau didn’t exist who am I?

I don’t want to be in a place where I’d be found a fool. Those prestigious positions are fascinating with lots of perks and big money.  I would be lying if I said that those high places were not attractive. However, to be true to myself, I do not belong up there. I belong with me.  I learned to ACCEPT my true self where I learn to be content. And as long as I am true to my heart I’d be all right.

I always felt like the black sheep in the family. As I grew older I had this preconceived notion that I was not good enough and that sooner or later they’ll all leave. This was all unconscious. It was in the healing process that I encountered my inner child.  I needed to care, to love, to embrace and protect my inner child. I needed to change my feelings and discipline mySelf to strengthen my mind so I can  regulate my emotions. I would be driving down the road and talk to myself. I know It sounded weird but it helped me a whole lot. I told myself, “Precious child you must stop believing what others think you are and what you ought to be,  how you should think, where to go to church and etc.  You are an individual separated and protected by your own skin. You were born for a purpose so  go out there and look for it even at the risk of being rejected. Always be kind and loving and true. First we need to see our counselor and do the trauma work.  The truth  was I believed I grew up in a perfectly wonderful home. That’s what illusion is like. (The illusion of a family togetherness).

The inner child lies within all of us, some see theirs as a younger version of themselves, others may view it as a feeling or memory associated with their childhood. Some sees the inner child as their unconsciousness.  Psychologists say it is basically our Child Trauma Unresolved… that’s always five seconds ahead of you. Like your talking to someone and she screams, stomping her feet, slams the door and walk away angry. That’s the inner child acting up. A minute or so later she’d regret but decides to pout. That’s how children behaves.

No matter the way we relate to it, our inner child plays a huge role in the way we experience joy, receive love, and behave in personal relationships. Encountering my Inner Child was like an outa-body experience. I saw the lonely child playing under the house, talking to her doll and vegetables. I cried myself to sleep that night feeling sad and lonely.  I woke up the next day refreshed. Something about tears baffles me. When your mind is overwhelmed with emotions your body weeps. Tears heals. But that was just the first phase. More will come when God knows I’m strong enough to face my truths.

I understood and learned to be okay with people not knowing my side of the story. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Just be real.

They say life begins àt 40. I was forty when I made a choice for myself. Most of my decisions were good for people in authority. At 41 I chose my belief in God. I find it now that nothing really matters except my faith in God. I was condemned harshly for it. It was then I realized every choice I’ve made was always to please everyone but myself. I began to observe my thoughts and feelings and my reactions. I wanted to become a mature, emotionally healthy woman. I started by not “listening to those resentments in my head.” Resentment wants everyone to change.

Like Ghandi I didn’t like many Christians. They require uniforms not UNITY.  It’s always Them vs Us. But I liked their Jesus. He taught me that it’ll be easier to follow, walk with him, by knowing he’s done all that needed to be done. Change ensues. There’s nothing more to do. Just walk with him. He knows where we are going. Psychologist say, “when you live with someone for a long time, you’ll be like him.” Like marriage. Same with Christ. Change  ensues.

One very hard question I asked myself was: “Why am I always attracted to men who will eventually hurt me?

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