Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. ~ King David (Psalms 42:7)
I used to be afraid of being alone. Now I’m afraid of having the wrong people around.
I went to a wedding here on the island. The ceremony was beautiful. Afterwards a reception was held outside in the yard. It was crowded. Most people were already seated at tables when I got there. The party was happening. I saw familiar faces but no one waved. I wanted to run away. I found an empty table with my family name. So I went and sat there – alone. It was uncomfortable. Some relatives sat at the next table. They didn’t talk to me. I greeted them hoping they would say something back. Nothing! I thought maybe I had a booger. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I felt shame, deep shame, feeling unloved, unwanted. Insecure. Utter despair. Hmmm where did that come from?
It was an experience that made me see that I still have stuff crowding my brain. I’ve always been alone most of the time anyways. I thought- in the states, some person(s) wouldn’t have had problems making friends with me by sharing a table for a couple of hours. I talked to God silently and asked him to sit with me.
John Eldredge writes in his book,SACRED ROMANCE, “There is the joy of having someone save a place for us. We walk into a crowded room at church or at a dinner party and someone across the way waves us over, pointing to a chair she’s held on to especially for us. For a moment a sense of relief, a taste of being on the inside. A sense of belonging.
“Now consider Jesus’ words in John 14:2—”I am going…to prepare a place for you.” Christ promises that he is saving a place in heaven especially for each of us. When we walk into the crowded excitement of the wedding feast of the Lamb, with the sound of a thousand conversations, laughter and music, the clinking of glasses, and one more time our heart leaps with the hope that we might be let into the sacred circle, we will not be disappointed. We’ll be welcomed to the table by our Lover himself. No one will have to scramble to find another chair, to make room for us at the end of the table, or rustle up a place setting. There will be a seat with our name on it, held open at Jesus’ command for us and no other.” (Sacred Romance).
Finding yourself ignored and alone in a crowded room is the best time to go deep and call to ¹ deep. This is when we RENEW our minds. That day in 2003 was a game-changer for me. I didn’t realize just how many of my thoughts were being filtered through my past experiences and limiting me from moving forward relationally. I also learned that I was coping with pre-programmed thoughts (St Paul calls ‘strongholds”) from my past for so long that I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. I knew I’m accepted in Christ and I just needed to constantly renew my mind deeply. I’m not validated by who sat with me or who waved to me. I intentionally go deeper into renewing my mind and thought life, which has contributed to healing in areas of my life that I didn’t realize were effecting me. My relations do not validate my identity. I needed to interrogate and identify every thought from my past and renew it with the filter of Truth. This is essential for being all that Gid has called me to be.
The TRUTH is I’m loved, accepted, and significant in the One who saw me before He thought of creating the Universe.