A few months before his sixtieth birthday, George began planning his party. He called up his 30-year-old daughter for some help. “Why don’t you invite all your old high school buddies?” she asked. “That could be a lot of fun.” “I’d like to bring all my high school buddies to the party,” said George, “but I don’t want to get arrested.” His daughter laughed. “Why would you get arrested for bringing your high school buddies to your birthday party?” “Don’t you know?” asked George. “Grave robbing is a crime.”
[restrict]
****
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
****
“Look at ME!!” boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people. “Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after loose women!!” He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, “And tomorrow — tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my -90th- birthday!!” “Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”
****
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. “Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.” “That’s right.” “Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.” “Well, today is his birthday.”
****
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
****
Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” – said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” – said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
****
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!” [/restrict]