• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  • Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma?

[restrict]

  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    • Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
    • It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
    • Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
    • Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
    • The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
    • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
    • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    • What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
    • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
    •  First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
    • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
    • Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    • If you can read this, the bitch fell off… [Seen on the back of a biker’s vest]
    • Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
    • During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
    • A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
    • Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
    • I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
    • Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
    • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? [/restrict]