A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.

The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”

The man says “I’m probably too honest.”

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The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”

The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

***

  • Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
  • I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  • My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  • The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.
  • When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
  • Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
  • I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  • Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
  • I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
  • My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
  • The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
  • There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
  • My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
  • I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
  • How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
  • If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

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