A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
- Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
- I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
- My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
- The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.
- When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
- Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
- I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
- Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
- My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
- The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
- There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
- My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
- I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
- How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
- If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.