• I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

[restrict]

  • Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  • I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. I just can’t see myself working today.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine. [/restrict]