How we treat others is how we treat our hearts. ~JOHN ELDREDGE

Your boundaries are what makes you, YOU. And a deal breaker is something – an issue or annoyance in a relationship that you cannot deal with.

Personal boundaries are not walls. They’re not meant to block people or push them away. Let’s  think about our boundaries as a way to deeper, more fulfilling experiences in all your relationships including the one you have with yourself!

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is communicating clearly and effectively about what is all right and what isn’t all right with you to the people in your life. It is telling the truth about how you feel and think about what you want, and about what you need.

My mentor and teacher said, “When you can share your thoughts and preferences, desires, limits, and deal-breakers with the people in your life, you are letting them truly know you. In this way, boundaries are a bridge to intimacy, not a wall. If you grew up in a family system where shaming, blaming, and emotional manipulation was present, it can make you vulnerable in the present. You might have internalized feelings of guilt along with fears of abandonment and rejection.”

We remind ourselves that the good news is now is not then. Now, you have a choice to be more mindful, get to know yourself and be free from dysfunctional behavioral patterns.

Much of our relationship to boundary setting is based on what we witnessed and learned behavior influenced by our unique and specific life experiences.

What did you experience? What did you witness¡?

Reflecting on these questions can help you better understand yourself and your past. The deeper you can understand the “why” from a psychological perspective, the more quickly you can begin to shift and make changes in your life.

In my experience as a Palauan woman I felt like i was in an enemy’s territory. Example– ke redil me ke dilmuk e chorrenges leng ngdiak el kirem el mesaod. That process made me believe (consciously and unconsciously)

that I was less than human (shaming) unless I adhere to cultural norms. Like I must marry and bring in the materials (land and money). In other words, to be a superwoman you cut your heart out and marry a superman. (men are expected to provide so they pressure their women relatives) Its about positions, money and land. I failed in all counts.

You have a million good reasons to have these challenges. And you can learn the language of healthy boundaries, I promise you. Becoming a guard of your boundaries is a skill set and it takes practice, but you can do this. It’s not cruel, it’s a very kind stoicism.

When you have clear, appropriately flexible boundaries, you have a deep understanding of yourself, your preferences, desires, needs, and deal-breakers, and you can communicate them effectively.  Discipline yourself not be upset or condescending to our people’s siukang. I understand it worked when we lived in a thatched roof huts, gathered food from the ĺand and sea, and burned oil lamps. Not anymore.

King Solomon said it best: “bove all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23). It is necessary for three reasons: 1).Because your heart is extremely valuable. We don’t guard worthless things. 2) because your heart is the source of everything you do. And 3) Because your heart is under constant attack.

We say NO with love. Jesus tells us to love God, our Heavenly Father, and to love others as we love ourselves. He also said to love our enemies and pray for them.

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