Hope is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul –

And sings the tune without the words –

And never stops – at all –

      ~EMILY DICKINSON 

We all live with hope for a life without all them messy stuff — No personal storms, and no children issues, no marriage problems, and no national debt. But they’re there and will be there another day.  Yes, life is a mess. And we are broken people, fallen short of God’s glory living in a broken world and hope.

My hope is for more safe people in our world. Safe people treat you as an adult. Unsafe (or toxic) people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.  We would be wiser to treat our children as individuals that came to this world through us, not from us.  This goes against one of the most patronizing unwritten law that keeps you stuck in shame and fear of separateness with boundaries. “KE MO UA UKALL EDI NGALK.” In other words it is saying don’t think. Don’t be a person. Stay a child even though you are married with children.  It’s been part of our culture for thousands of years we subconsciously believe it’s love and honor to our parents.  It’s not.

Love withers and dies without separateness.  Its impossible to connect if not free to disagree. That kind of love is compliance and people pleasing. It’s not real love.

Children start to individuate, separate as one distinguished person starting at age two. They normally complete this process at age 11 or 12.  Children who are allowed to separate emotionally n mentally as individuals are free to love and grow knowing they belong to their family without threats of being rejected. The opposite is enmeshment.  Enmeshing relationships are those in which one person is swallowed up in the needs of another.  They are made to meet the needs of entitled parents. This draws a rift between husband and wife.  Moreover, it’s such a burden to young man and woman who are trying to build their own family. It’s a sure way to destroy our own society. Its suffocating. One which chomelaes (demonizing) is their only way to exhale. These days they get on the plane and move away. 

In enmeshment, Dr Bradshaw says, they are threatened by individuality of another person and seek to control the other person by intimidating and manipulating him or her.  In enmeshing relationship “together” is bliss (for one) and “apart” is hell (for one).  Enmeshment emphasizes similarities and discourages differences in people.

Mature people encourage, value, and nurture the separateness of others. They understand that they need their own free choices– and that they need to protect other people too.

The best connections embrace the individual concerns of the other person. 

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