“If Gary could have been granted one vast and naive wish, it would have been that he would make the world safe … for children.” ~John Irving
You can’t heal until you face the truth.
I grew up being shamed for being me. I was never approved nor accepted. My clothes, my hair, my physique, my clumsiness, how I speak to how I sit. I was a mistake. Seems like I didn’t belong. When someone said something derogatory to me I get crazy mad. I would internalize each word, blame myself for being stupid and label myself “misfit”. So I either made myself disappear or run to my false lovers like food and smoke.
For years I believed being shamed was normal. I grew up ignored or shamed. I didnt deserve to live and attempted to end things when I was 19. I wanted to die. No one would miss me, I thought. I hated myself. I hated God.
It was a tortuous life. I couldn’t have friends. I was depressed most of the time. I also believed my siblings were ashamed of me. When I moved to the states I began to breathe. They didn’t know my shameful self.
One weekend I was clicking my TV and found PBS with Dr John Bradshaw conducting a workshop on shame. Its like he knew me through and through. He talked about me to millions in Los Angeles. I was not alone in this. I went to a bookstore and bought a copy of HOMECOMING. I even send a copy to my brother.l
Emotional damage from trauma, stress, or psychiatric disorders can impair the prefrontal cortex’s ability to regulate emotions, make rational decisions, and control impulses, leading to changes in personality, increased irritability or aggression, difficulty concentrating, and poor social functioning. The prefrontal cortex plays a critical role in executive functions, and damage to this area can disrupt the widespread orchestration of brain physiology needed for calm, flexible, and rational responses.
Then I met the true GOD, my Heavenly Father. I asked him to heal my brain. It was the start of my healing journey. Intense forgiveness over and over. If I ran the act in my mind and didn’t react I go to the next offense. Moreover, I stopped thinking about suicide. And I began to know myself. My concentration improvedj. I read the Bible in a year and every year after that. School was sweet and I began to read great books faster and retained what I read. That was a miracle in itself. Thank you LORD for saving me.0