1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.
  3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

[restrict]

  • I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  • Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the hell is the ceiling?!”
  • My Reality Check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
  • You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ‘cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. [/restrict]