• The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):
  • ‘In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.’

[restrict]

  • ‘Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.’
  • ‘Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.’
  • ‘Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.’
  • ‘Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.’
  • ‘The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.’
  • ‘Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.’
  • ‘Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.’
  • ‘Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.’
  • ‘The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.’
  • ‘The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.’
  • ‘The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.’
  • ‘Moses died before he ever reached Canada.’
  • ‘Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.’
  • ‘The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.’
  • ‘David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.’
  • ‘Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.’
  • ‘When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.’
  • ‘When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.’
  • Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.’
  • ‘St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.’
  • Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.’
  • ‘He also explained, “A man doth not live by sweat alone.”‘
  • ‘It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.’
  • ‘The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.’
  • ‘The epistles were the wives of the apostles.’
  • ‘One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.’
  • ‘St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.’
  • ‘A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.’
  • Bless their little hearts! [/restrict]