The new manager of Liverpool football club sent scouts out around the world

Looking for a new center forward to replace his old and decrepit players

In the hope of winning the league. []restrict]

One of his scouts informed him of a young Iraqi soccer player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The manager flies out to Baghdad to watch him play and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to Liverpool.

Two week later and Liverpool are 4 to 1 down ManU and only 20 minutes to the end of the game,

The manager gives the young Iraqi the nod and on to the pitch he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the match for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted; the players and management are delighted, and so to are the media who think the new player is fantastic.

When the players leave the pitch he phones his mother to tell her about his first game in the premiership.

Hello mum, guess what? “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 goals and we won the game.

“Everybody loves me, they think I am a great player”

Wonderful says his mum “now let me tell you about my day

Your father got shot in the street

Your sister and I were ambushed and beaten up

And your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were out having a good time”

The lad was very upset and said sorry to his poor mother.

“Sorry” says his mum, “your f….ng sorry???

“It’s your entire fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place”

***

Little Johnny

Teacher: “Why are you praying in class little Johnny?”

Little Johnny: “My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep.”

Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?

Because I helped her.

But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?

I helped her eat her gummy bears.

***

One drink to many

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”

“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.” [/restrict]