Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different result. ~1981 Narcotics Anonymous Pamphlet

There are individuals who seem to believe they are the greatest and the best socially.  I know people like that.  I feel like saying to them, “Excuse me for breathing the same air you breath.”  Of course we are all born egocentric– with the world revolving around us.  Then we go to kindergarten where we learn to share. Something we should have learned in the first five years of our lives.  I always wonder what makes people that way. Were they indulged with praises,  given everything they wanted growing up OR neglected by their primary caregiver where they survived without.  I learned that it is both.  The spoiled demands while the deprived chases. One coin, two sides.  Both become entitled and self-centered jerks. To change is to be aware of our thoughts, our wounds, our emotions and carefully watch how we react to triggers.  It’s difficult but it’s doable. 

I was a well dressed jerk chaser hiding behind my accomplishments, my education, and my name. I was angry because I believed I deserved whatever.  Always comparing as I was always being compared with those nice girls next door.  I was a very well dressed overbearing woman wearing jewelries and lipstick, however full of self hatred, very entitled, angry at the world. For a long time I thought I was doing fine because I was a bona fide people pleaser. Very conscientious.  A codependent who had a bad case of self love deficiency. When God found me,  I was suffering with a mild case of manic depression.  I could’ve easily become a full blown bipolar – a mental disorder.  Jesus really saved me from me. I will forever be thankful.  I asked him to heal parts of my brain that kept on throwing me off the curve, at least once a month. It’s been a long journey and I don’t claim to know everything, but one thing I’m sure of is being loved is key to change. 

I heard a song that kept me in my healing path:  If coal can turn to diamond and sand can turn to pearl. If a worms can turn to a butterfly then love can turn the world.  Yes there is hope for me.

To change begins by renewing my mind. To change the way I think is like pulling teeth without drugs.  Aha! Now I understand  my drug of choice was to numb the pain. But the unconditional love of God healed my broken soul and heart.

I’m still learning self love day by day.  I know I’m loved. I’m no longer waiting for my father to come home from the sea. I accept life with all its quirks, sorrows and pain.  I claim the inherent power to be me without fear of displeasing anyone. It feels really good. When I look at the cross of Jesus I’m overwhelmed with love and thanksgiving. Triggers  don’t activate the old wounds because love heals everything in me.  Jesus nailed all my guilt, shame, and fear on the cross.  I’m forgiven.  I’m loved.  So are you.  You have the power to change the way you think. Use it. Don’t allow others’ self-centeredness control your life.

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