A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out.
‘What’s the matter?’ she asked. ‘It’s my birthday!’ he hollered.
‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .’ and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.
‘But that’s lovely,’ said the old lady.
‘Why are you crying?’ ‘Because I’m lost.
Man wears ear-ring
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!” The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”
The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”
The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”
“Oh, heck no, he’s as white as you and me!”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in heck do you want a divorce?
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied.
“I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
The fool says he can’t communicate with me.” [/restrict]