1. A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
Yes. What’s your third question?”
2. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?
They’re both red except for the green one. I have an EpiPen.
3. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
4. An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.
I know because they told me.
5. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
6. What’s red and moves up and down?
A tomato in an elevator
7. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
8. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent!
9. My roommate told me my clothes look gay.
I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.
10. How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was hit by the zamboni.
11. How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
No, it actually is.
12. How does NASA organize a party?
13. Knock Knock.
It’s To Whom.
14. What’s a pirates favorite letter?
You think it’s R but it be the C.
15. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
16. What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!! [/restrict]