This is how to talk to defensive people without losing your mind.
You know the feeling.
You say something totally reasonable—maybe you offer feedback, set a boundary, or just share how you feel.
And suddenly, they shut down, lash out, or twist your words. Instead of hearing you, they get defensive.
Absolutely frustrating!
But here’s the thing I learned – their defensiveness isn’t about you.
Most people don’t get defensive because they’re difficult or stubborn. They react that way because of deep-rooted insecurities, past experiences, or even their nervous system going into fight-or-flight mode.
That means if you know how to approach the conversation differently, you can completely change how they respond.
For example—one of the biggest mistakes people make when dealing with a defensive person is trying to prove their point or “win” the conversation.
Believe me it never works.
So what should you do instead?
There’s a simple shift that instantly lowers their defences and makes them more open to hearing you.
Let me share a few strategies to help you stop triggering defensiveness and start having real conversations:
Growing up I was criticized a lot and that developed a sense of not ever doing or saying anything good enough. It made me so insecure that kept me always on the defense.
First thing I learned was to ask why or what brought that on. It’s a journey that led myself to learn more and to understand emotional regulation.
I learned to listen to what’s going on inside my head. It was noisy. It required a lot of discipline to listen carefully and shut down some of the negative noises. Especially the ones that begins with “ngmeral diak a tal tekoi el mrellii… ngdiak a btelum…? Talk about always on guard – vigilant.
That kind of environment makes a child very insecure.
Self-awareness was important to help me grow out of being on the defense. That everything is not about me, myself, and I.
I needed to grow up.
More on the topic next week as I’m running out of space.