Spiritual Intelligence represents our drive for meaning and connection with the infinite. ~STEPHEN COVEY
So why am I always attracted to a man who will eventually hurt me? Tough but very vital question. It would’ve been easier to blame the abuser and let it hang, but I needed to cross the chasm. To cross over I must accept the fact that it has got to be something in me that attracts such individuals. It doesn’t matter how I got that way. It matters that something is broken in me and it needs to be fixed. To be fixed we need to name the wound. Understand the cause that there must be something about them that draws me [to self destruct].
Willingness to find meaning for my life gave me the freedom to be mySelf with all my flaws, warts and all. I had joy during my self-examination period. I believed it was for my own good. Besides, I was never alone. JESUS was with me every step of the way. Joy is what’s inside of you. To me it was my relationship with GOD, my Lord and King that gave me joy. Happiness is what’s outside of me… happenstance. I was a typical codependent attracted to those who overvalue themselves and undervalues me.
Robert Frost says in his poem, “The only way out is through”. Surprisingly it’s what we go through that makes us strong, compassionate and wise.
I read so much about the subject I had to let all that information soak before processing them to make sense to me. Too much information. And as Providence would have it, a book by Ross Rosenberg, “Surviving Narcissistic Abuse. The Human Magnet Syndrome. The Codependent Narcissistic Trap.” The title itself grabbed my attention.
Dr. Rosenberg opened my eyes. I saw why I attract the wrong people like a magnet. I saw very clearly why I married a male version of my primary caregiver. Aha! A big Aha moment. I understand now — hypercritical, sarcastic and nothing nice to say to me. Emotional abuses, manipulating, silent treatment. These people are emotionally incapable to be there for you as a child. I once asked my ex-husband, “If you didn’t like me so much why did you marry me?” He replied, “There you go again! Imagining and overthinking too much.” I believed him. I thought I was really crazy. Now I know he was gaslighting me. Next day he gave me some kind of a gift. I don’t remember what they were because it was more like a bribe than of an apology. One day I left. I didn’t want to dance anymore.
These individuals are toxic. They overvalue themselves and undervalue you. They are never wrong. They’re sweet as lambs when someone came to visit but as soon as they leave, the wolves come out to play. Growling and snarling their sharp teeth at you, “How dare you interrupted me while I was talking.” Anyone who is married to this type hope you come for dinner and stay for the late night movie. Just two more hours of peace. At least that’s how I felt..
Many things happened to you that wounded your soul when you were a baby-child known as ATTACHMENT TRAUMA. You must know there’s no blaming here. They’re just facts I needed to acknowledge in order to be free and stop running into fire.
I’ll start with Attachment Trauma. I wrote about it – entitled Coffeemate ane Cherry Flavored Jello. My childhood was where I basically grew in the crib and play pen. Later I was primarily cared for by a blind teenager who was my aunt. I couldn’t bond. And Narcissistic man knows why they want a codependent partner. They’re easy to manipulate and be the lead in a dance. Some women don’t leave because of insecurity and fear of deep pathological loneliness. Trauma attachment is especially those of us who were never hugged, cuddled as baby/child. I find this heartbreaking especially when most children are cared for by nannies.