Don’t waste your pain. ~Dan Allender

The six million dollar question.

To keep going in my life is to totally accept that many people hate me. Life has its dark side and bright side.  When I was in my adolescent years I was not quite alive. In my 20’s I only lived to survive.  In my  thirty’s I wanted so much to be loved and admired. In my 40’s I began to understand that I hated myself. It’s really amazing how Divine  Providence led me to realize that my life was out of control. I needed help. It was the beginning of my journey to my heart.  I learned to accept myself, to borrow Cromwell’s “warts and all’. In my 50’s I knew deep in my heart that I’m loved by God and that was more enough. Practicing loving myself generously, not selfishly, opened my eyes to see that I was surrounded by many people who hated themselves. I saw that people who hated themselves can’t say nice things about you  to you. They live in fear and shame. Shame fears that when the sun shines on you it will casts  darkness on them.( Lewis Smedes) But it’s not.  You are born with a divine spark in you.  In your second birth, you become the light wherever you are. The Spirit of the LORD is in you.  No need to perform. You just be you. This is what I believe God meant when he said, “Be still and know that I AM (God). Psalms 46.

When Moses encountered the burning bush, the LORD told to him to go down to Egypt and bring His Children, the Israelites, back to the promised land. Moses asked God, “Whom shall I say sent me?”  God replied, “I AM WHO I AM.”  (always in capital letters).  It was intriguing to me. I began a journey to know the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Its not about Israel. It’s the God of Israel. There’s so much to learn and I probably will never know all I need to know. It’s like opening a box only to find another box… Augustine said that if you can explain God he won’t be God.

King Solomon wrote, “As you think you become”. Thinking is vital if you want to go somewhere in life. To take the name of God in vain would be putting yourself down by saying  “I am ugly. ” or   “I am stupid.” I really believe that because we are created in the image of the GREAT I AM. Therefore we are the small “I am” in the GREAT I AM!  Ironically when I hated myself I really hated God and denied or rejected his existence. And I hated those who believed that Jesus was fully human and fully GOD. When I accepted the existence of God through Jesus Christ I began to live … fully human and fully alive. I changed what I told myself from I am ugly to ‘I am beautiful’. ‘I am stupid’ to ‘I am smart”.  It’s not the standard of this world and what others think of me. Its a long process to integrate that belief into you consciousness. It’s what I think that matters.

A wise man said, “There is no bad unless you do anything with it”.  Everything bad and ugly things I went through did me good. They came to build me up … they came to make me strong, compassionate and loving. I wouldn’t be writing today if life didn’t present problems and challenges that made me what I am today. 

There are still people that hate me today. I know because I chose to be myself…normally abnormal, unafraid of critiques. I’m not afraid to be different. Alone in my thoughts and convictions. The truth is there are women out there who think and feel as I do. And they choose to stand out and  different. 

It’s called ‘Freedom”.

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