The number one place relationships break down is the health of communication – what we say, how we say it, what we hear, and how we hear it. – Mark DeJesus.
Someone said to me, “Ngdiak mdu ke medakt”. Ke explain … leng ngdiak medakt ra ngidil ngerang… ngsebechek el mekiis el tmik a medam.” LOL.
When rejection mindset is in operation, healthy communications don’t stand a chance. Because rejection twists and distorts communication. I know this from experience. Sometimes I’m so afraid I will be rejected for I could say something out of wag that would raise eyebrows of those nice folks. And not say anything. I asked myself, “Why fear?” Because I would like very much to be accepted by others (like King Saul). Fear makes us too cautious and wary of being rejected because we had an opinion, an idea, or different worldview. This is the fear I’m talking about: Fear of Rejection. It is shameful to be rejected. Fear and Shame are so closely tied, it’s hard to identify each emotion without the other.
The next step is to train myself to trust the One who created me, the one who came to save me from myself, the one who paid the ransom for my life. Olekoi, the old Christian clichés will not do any good to a broken soul. If you have a flat tire, you can’t say, “Oh, it’s okay. You are so loved by God and all will be well. (And we Christians are so good at that – quoting scriptures and clichés like, “God is in control.”). It doesn’t work that way. You must remove the flat tire and roll it to the nearest Gas Station or call for help. Jesus said that we shouldn’t worry about what to eat, wear, and where we sleep… If you think about it, when those birds find the tree bearing fruits they tweet (pun intended). They are busy. They know that fruits do not come to them. They go look for them and when they find it, they tell their friends. So must we!
Adapting to a new belief – the truth takes time. And we must go deep and find the root of rejection. I’ve been on this journey (of heart renovation) for the past 20 plus years because of fear of rejection. When I think I’ve got it, I see shadows of fear and shame hanging nearby. We never arrive. When we think we’ve arrived, we’re in the danger zone.
We were created for love relationship… and that requires communication. Being too hard on myself unconsciously: schedule to follow, list of do’s and don’ts; evaluate myself with an unrealistic measuring stick is difficult for me to follow. To release this emotion, I must project it on you… Psychological projection is to allow space in my heart to breath, unload the bucket load of self-reproach, fear, shame, and anxiety on you. Simply put, I blame you for all my problems.
The more I understand the complexity design of the inner self, I saw clearly that unhealthy fears are mostly from inner critics. Listen to them and ask, “What are you trying to tell me?”