Not all storms came to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.
A little over 30 years ago I began to believe that something was terribly wrong with me. I was too busy surviving, raising my children, that feelings of being an irregular and a broken person came and went like winter season. I became depressed once a year. When I became a believer of Jesus, God slowly began to change my perspective in life. I was determined to find my heart, so to speak. I attended the first workshop on healing memories that¹1 led me to a long overdue career crisis. Mark Twain said that there are two important dates in your life. First is when you were born and the second is when you find out why. It was liberating when I realized why I was born. Help carry another person burden to the cross and lay them down.
I read books like mad. I went back to school and even went to church regularly. I heard a preacher say, “Guilt and Shame were nailed to the cross at Calvary 2000 years ago.” It invoked a lot of memories of my youth. So I dug deep into understanding guilt and shame and their consequences. Shame made me self conscious with self hatred. Guilt made me believe I was bad. The thing is we are not aware of what the inner child was feeling. And it has taken years to be aware of my thoughts and to understand how to regulate my brain.
I remember those who bullied and manipulated me to believe I was unworthy of respect as a human being. I think that was the day I decided that it’s either there is no God or I don’t belong there with them perfect people. I couldn’t wait to grow and leave the place. I remember going to church and slipped and soiled my uniform and was ridiculed for it for days. I just can’t do anything right, I thought. So I tolerated verbal and emotional abuse and even neglect. I believed people just tolerated me, when the truth was I lwas kindly tolerated. Thank God for survival mechanism.
These may sound silly and trivial but to an adolescent they are like daggers 🗡 piercing my heart with a twist several times on a daily basis. I was bleeding inside. I was good on putting on a face of “all is well.” Those were the days when I was seriously considering suicide. I was 13, 14 years old and also when I was 19.
Be kind to kids that seem happy and carefree ~~ their heart may be bleeding. They’re experts in putting a front then be gone in a few hours.