Journaling

Someone said, “If you live for people’s acceptance you will die from their rejection.”
I wrote in my journal the following: “There are many features in my character that need changing. Big time! However, one stands out like a dark cloud over my head. In my career especially in management and teaching, I tend to correct, teach, edit, adjust, and modify something I see is wrong. It’s acceptable in the classroom but not in any room where I come across as an arrogant, overbearing woman who thinks she knows it all. It’s contemptuous really, as if I’m on the rooftop shouting ex cathedra to those little ants on the ground. These thoughts have been bugging my brain like nightcrawlers. The more I write about it, the more aware I am of my so much needed adjustment and transformation. I need to be reminded that I never arrive… the healing and maturing process is a lifelong journey. It’s so unconscious that before I catch it, it’s out of my mouth running like a bullet. Like an arrow leaving the bow, can’t return. Ngkora ikel ulad el metuobed e mengerodch a le klebesei – their grunting noises are so annoying. Then they crawl back e chemiis a lengasch a sils leng mol mekang ra malk. Our fears and shame love dark, cool places.
“O my God have mercy on me. Let your light shine on them dark places in my brain and leave no room for these self-destructive behaviors to live.”
Journaling is self-awareness. If I didn’t keep a journal, I would not have become aware of this toxic self-righteous glitch in my attitude. I have studied and talked about psychological projection here several times, saying: “If you see it, you got it!” I found myself guilty! Lord God, I’m projecting here but I need to confess. For the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about those bullies who just don’t let up. I’ve thought about those narcissistic jerks who are expert in triggering your codependent self, inducing conversations for you to jump into the wrestling ring and fight. This is how they get their supply of attention and admiration from others at the expense of codependents (like me). I’m quite tired of it. Help me LORD GOD not to be induced into the ring. I am no longer a child. I don’t have to prove anything. I just wat to be me – being. George Bernard Shaw said, “Never wrestle with the pig, the pig will like it, but you will get dirty.” I’ve wrestled with pigs long enough!
I’ve also learned that healing begins at confession. Just because I confessed doesn’t mean I’m good now. No, it’s just the beginning of the lifelong process of healing and growing. Patience is the rule not an exception. Now I need to develop more patience in my soul. Life is not about winning, it’s about living. It’s not about what I’ve got or achieved, it’s all about my being.
When I see something in others that I don’t like, I ask myself – “Do you got it?” If I see it, I got it. Ouch!