Hyper-vigilance is a harsh master. It’s like you’re never at ease with yourself. Kede Kora di kiei el mechesang el meruul a rengrir a rechad. The truth is nobody cares. It’s your brain. It’s as if you’re standing in front of a full-length mirror – always checking your face, your lipstick, your hair, and pulling and straightening your dress to make sure everything is in place. You constantly getting rid of that invisible lint. If you grew up with constant criticism you’ll always fear that something is crooked òr wrong. It’s complex post traumatic syndrome disorder.
What a stressful life. Anxiety and fear of being either in or leave before you get hurt All you want is to be accepted and even when you’re accepted your brain keep on telling you the lies.
There are some lies you grew up to believe especially if you were neglected, verbally and or emotionally abused. Neglect is probably the worst kind of abuse. My friend said, “Ngdiua a decheloit ra Ngewaol ea bilas a melngelakl ea lekong ngdiak le sekau.” These are traumas that need healing. Otherwise you’d think it’s normal and you see someone like me as either crazy or obsessed about the subject. All the more reason for inner healing to find our true self and stop living our lives from our false self. False self is living life according to the script prescribed by our families, our church, and our clan, or our tribe on how to behave. We become People Pleasing people. Example: You owe money at the bank but you have to contribute to a funeral so you borrow from a friend with empty promises. You never pay back.
The first lie is ‘you are unwelcome.” You don’t feel belong and always checking the mirror if you fit in. Trauma made you believe you’re not “in”. Always on the outside looking in.
Second lie is you’re damaged goods and no one wants you. Third lie is people are out to get you. They really don’t care about you unless you perform well. If not they’ll shame and leave you out to dry alone. Fourth lie is you better not be picky. Just take what comes along, that’s all you deserve. They’re saying ke ua tiang e melililt rs rengum? Lol
The fifth lie is, everything is temporary so don’t get used to it. Don’t waste your time it’s not going to last. Don’t let yourself fall on love. You’ll end up wih a broken heart and abandoned.
Number six is you believe your negative experience proves your fears are true. Seventh is stay angry to protect yourself or else nothing will protect you. Eighth lie is somebody will come along and save you.
I was admired a lot for taking care of myself when I was 13- …ng meduch a rengul el ngalk. It’s known as emotionally starved. I had no choice if you ask me. In fact, I was neglected emotionally. And began to believe in those lies. When I understood where I was coming from in my thought life I knew I had to make some changes, set my boundaries, learning to say no and stopped living small. I stopped being afraid to say things that offended people. I trained myself to speak the truth in love.
There is a way forward to heal and learn to regulate your brain.
Our true self, your heart is lovable. Our journey is to fully live from.the heart.