Interviewer to Millionaire, “To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire, “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interview, “Wow, she must be some woman. What are you before you married her?”
Millionaire, “A billionaire.”
An office worker opened his pay envelope to find his check was short $100.
He called the accounting department to voice his complaint.
“You’re right, we made a mistake,” said the clerk, “but last week we overpaid you $100 and we didn’t hear you complaining then.”
“Look,” said the man, “I can over look one mistake. But two weeks in a row?”
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?”
“Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
I saw two kids fighting in the elementary school playground. Being the only adult around, I had to step in. They didn’t stand a chance.
Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”
A doctor tells a patient, “Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs.”
“Will that help me get better again?” asks the patient.
“Not really. But it’s the only thing we can shove in under the door.”
A man drives deep into the forest to get rid of his cat. He lets her out at an abandoned place. After one hour he gets a phone call from his wife: “The cat is back.”
The man growls: “Ok, can you put her on, I got lost and need directions.”
Two gangsters are about to break out of prison. The first one jumps off a wall into a trash container.
The guard shouts, “Who’s there?”
Gangster replies, “MEOOOOOOW!”
The guard is relieved, “Ah ok, just a cat.”
Then the second gangster jumps.
The guard gets suspicious, “Hello, anybody there?”
The second gangster yells, “Nah, just the cat again!”
“My wife loves cats. But she’s got 40 of them and they cause a gruesome smell in our flat.”
“I guess you should air more often to battle that.”
-“No can do, if we opened the windows, my 150 pigeons would fly away” [/restrict]