1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
  2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
  3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.


  • We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
  • At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
  • Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
  • I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
  • I childproofed the house… but they still get in! [/restrict]