Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, “So, how’s it going?”
The second one sighed and shook his head, “Not good, I can’t pay my bills, my health isn’t good, my kids don’t respect me, and my wife is leaving me.” [restrict]
The first replied, “Well, don’t lose any sheep over it.”
***
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.” – See more at: http://staging.laughfactory.com/jokes/clean-jokes#sthash.QKzfa223.dpuf
***
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant. And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
***
t was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight.” ***
***
It’s About My Height
Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”
Doctor: “How come?”
Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”
***
Punctuality
A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”
He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”
****
Teacher and Student
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
****
Let’s Call It Something Else
Five-year-old Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ‘ch’ sound, which came out sounding like a ‘k’ sound. The therapist asked him to say chicken. His response sounded more like kitchen.
They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try.
Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we just call it a duck?”
****
An Apple A Day
Jake came rushing in to see his Dad. “Dad!” he puffed, “Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”
“That’s what they say,” said his Dad.
“Well, give me an apple quick! I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!”{/restrict]